Today I am going to tell you about avoidant personality disorder symptoms. The first time I tried to tell a therapist about my life, When I was twelve years old. I told him that I couldn’t talk much to people. He laughed and said, “I know. Making small talk can be difficult. Everyone thinks that way.”
He had missed the point so spectacularly that I wanted to cry. I didn’t try
to make them correct, though. I didn’t have to say anymore for what I was
trying to draw his attention. I didn’t have the strength to push through the
fear that fills my throat like cotton all the time.
Avoidant personality disorder symptoms
What I meant to tell him was ‘’I have some kind of allergy to others. Get
within twenty feet of a human and my face burns, my fingers twitch, my mouth becomes
freeze and useless. My brain is taken over by the need to watch and supervise.
Does this other person look Annoyed? Angry? Bored? Disgusted?
Any little flash across their chin must be noticed, which is greatly
hindered by the fact that looking directly at other faces hurts. It’s like an
electric shock in my bones. Information must be acquired covertly, quickly, in
little sight. And it must be acquired exactly, until I am finally alone again
and can begin the process of reviewing my memories of the encounter. Every
possible explanation needs to be considered. Mistakes I could have possibly
made needs to be identified and make amend for.
Here is a secret: at my backbone, I am not a real person. I think I used to
be – maybe when I was in childhood – but at some point I withered. I became
ugly, stupid, selfish, and useless. Those are which I see reflected in people’s
eyes. This is why I cannot look at them. The more I talk to someone, the more
the risk that they will glimpse the nothingness in mine.
I have noticed that people with my diagnosis of avoidant personality
disorder do not feel sympathy, that we only care about our own problems and no
one else. That gives me hurt to read. I love people so much. I love them
deeply. When I keep my distance, it is for their welfare. I want their company,
their comprehension as well as conversation and their jokes and the comfort of
their presence. But I cannot escape the confliction that having me in their
lives can only hurt people. I will leave them. I keep my mouth stop, compelled
into my apartment, stay far away because I love them deeply.
I have completed years of cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical
behavioral therapy with my therapist. I have tried almost every SSRI available
and used every single possibility. In small, practical ways, I have seen some
progress on me. I have given up some bad habits. I have learned that I can
sometimes talk myself out of a panic attack.
The problem with a avoidant personality disorder, though, is that to some
extent this is who I am. There are some spheres of it that I do not even
dislike those. I enjoy being able to be escaped into a different world when I feel
uncomfortable. I enjoy the stories and characters I have nominated in some
attempt to compensate for the lack of interaction in my life. And my silence,
if nothing else, has taught me how to listen others. I am a great listener; not
only will I not hog the conversation; I actually take the chance to listen to
others without having to perform too much.
So this is the situation where I am now. I am wondering, how much of myself
do I need to give up getting well? How much should I navel on adapting or
avoiding to the world as it is? How much should I focus on carving out a corner
which suits me instead? How much security am I expecting or able to avoid to
potentially be rewarded with relationships?
In my wildest dreams, I have an excellent relationship. The two of us are neither
gorgeous nor exciting. We didn’t have to overcome any convoluted situation to
be together. We are just two people who know one another deeply. We touch each
other naturally, effortlessly, and it doesn’t hurt at all. We loved to talk because we want to.
This is the mental image that brings me back from giving up completely. This
is my best ambition in the world.
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